Wednesday, October 04, 2006
I am thankful that I grew up in a wonderful loving family. My mother was quite sick when I was growing up and was in and out of the hospital a lot. I am thankful for that. I am thankful that through that, we are closer as a family. I have come to the realization that my father is a wonderful father and husband for sticking by my mom through it all and raising us when he my mother wasn't around. I think that because of my mother's illness, I am a more compassionate person and I am empathetic to the people around me who themselves face adversity.
I am thankful that I had a boyfriend in highschool who was verbally and mentally abusive. I am still affected by his actions towards me but I truly believe that I am in some ways a stronger woman because of it. I had the courage to walk away. I knew I deserved better. I never put myself into an abusive relationship again. I broke the cycle. I truly believe that coming through that pain brought my to my wonderful husband Paul. He is my best friend and soul mate. He treats me with respect and as his equal. He is everything I ever hoped a partner would be and he is the most amazing father for my children. I am extremely thankful for his patience with my sometimes low self esteem and residual scars from my past. He is warm, compassionate, and giving. He is everything I needed and everything I will ever want. He is who I strive to be. A wonderful, strong, compassionate person.
Last night I let a labouring lady through the doors of the hospital. She was about to have a baby and I felt a tinge of jealousy that I didn't get to experience labour and the natural childbirth of my two children. As I sat there thinking about it, I realized that I am thankful that I had difficult pregnancies and childbirths of my two children. I am not a natural mother and I believe that it was through this adversity that I have been able to form strong bonds with my children. I had pregnancy induced hypertension with both and that caused a bunch of complications.
Grace was born at 38 weeks via C-section after a failed attempt at induction. My birth experience was tainted by a terrible birth experience through which I experienced a huge amount of pain that I won't go into here. She was healthy. My husband, my pillar of strength yet again. My family came together and stayed with my through my labour. I became closer to my SIL in that day as well. I was not successful at breast feeding and spent many a night crying over that with my daughter in my arms. Through those first nights in the hospital, I was able to bond with my daughter. My daughter and I are extremely close now.
My son Simon was born during the height of the SARS crisis in Toronto. He was born at 36 weeks and had some difficulty breathing following birth which led to complications. He was transferred to Sick Kids at one day old and I left the hospital one day post-op to be with him at the hospital. The doctor only let me leave because of the SARS crisis. I am thankful that I was allowed to sit with my son and touch his hand. Until this time I hadn't even touched him! At 5 days old I was finally able to hold my son in my arms for the first time. I was overcome with emotion and bonded with him at that instant. Holding his little body with all the tubes everywhere. How lucky was I that I could hold my baby in my arms when so many lost their babies. There were other complications and Simon had to undergo surgery at 8 days old. I am SO thankful for the doctor that operated on Simon and the amazing nurses that cared for my son following the surgery. My son would not be here today had he not had his emergency surgery. I was an amazingly difficult time but I have a healthy, loving, and caring 3 year old today because of all of this and for that I am extremely grateful.
I also believe that I have some of the most amazing friends in the world. They are always there for me when I need them. I am so truly thankful for them. Maybe it was my adversity through life that brought them to me as well. They make me happy, they support me, and they love me no matter what mood I am in!
I was at the doctor's office a month or so ago and there was a poem on the wall. I read the poem and spent an hour searching the net for a copy of it. I found it! Read it....I was almost in tears in the doctor's office. We have so much to be thankful for.
Thanks for bearing with me through all this! And thanks for reading...it means that I have friends who care what I have to say and who respect my feelings and thoughts. I love you guys!!
I Am Thankful ... **
...for the taxes that I pay because it means that I am employed.
...for the mess I have to clean up after a party because it means I have been surrounded by friends.
......for the clothes that fit a little too snug because it means I have enough to eat.
......for my shadow who watches me work because it means I am out in the sunshine.
....for a lawn that needs mowing, windows that need cleaning and gutters that need fixing because it means I have a home.
...for all the complaining I hear about government because it means we have freedom of speech.
...for the spot I find at the far end of the parking lot because it means I am capable of walking.
...for my huge heating bill because it means I am warm.
...for the lady behind me in church who sings off key because it means that I can hear.
...for weariness and aching muscles at the end of the day because it means I have been productive.
...for getting too much e-mail because it lets me know I have friends who are thinking of me.
Tuesday, October 03, 2006
It appears that Kim read my blog and came to that possible conclusion...insert the "eek" smilie here!! I must assure you that I am in NO WAY pregnant. My secret is definitly "scrap" related. I can most definitly only handle two children! They keep me more than busy and happy for that matter....although I must say....seeing a newborn.... ;)
Here is another layout I finished with the gel-a-tin stamps. I used the Weathered Letters, Laugh Out Loud Letters (1" Lowercase), and the chocolate card set that was premiered at CHA Summer. Can't wait to get the new Memory Trends releases! They are gorgeous! I am itching to create with those stamps!
Sunday, October 01, 2006
Off to Memory Trends next Sunday. I'm getting excited. I loved Vegas last year and I'm looking forward to exploring it more this year with some of my fellow Gellies. I have been scrapping a lot this week in anticipation of the show. Did some new Gel-a-tins stuff. Let me know what you think!
I also made it to round 3 in the Scrappin' Trends Summer Bash contest. The deadline was Saturday and we had to upload 2 layouts and an altered cube for this round of the contest. There will be 3 winners from the 15 left. I mostly was hoping to make it to this round so that I could work with the brand new Urban Lily that I was digging! I am in love with what I did so it was all worth it whether or not I win. Winning would be cool though! ;)
I have recently found out about a couple of other cool things scrap related that I still have to keep a secret for now. I am so excited about it all and I am bursting with excitement to talk about it!!
Just one more week for one of them!
I have been hanging out in a new place (besides my regular haunting ground on the net). My friends Patti and Elia started a forum for their store in Fonthill. It's called the Scrapping Nook and I just adore their little store with all the up to date current stuff! The forum is turning into a fun place to be as well! I'm enjoying the small feel. Great job guys!!
Two weeks ago I started my new job in Emergency at my local hospital. So far I'm liking the small community feel of the hospital and the people I have met have been really nice. It's hard being the new girl but I think I will like it there. The pace is (so far) a little but slower so that is nice AND we get our breaks!! Two more orientation shifts and then I'm on my own! I'll let you know in a couple of weeks if I still like it when I'm flying solo!
Saturday, June 17, 2006
Check this out! Isn't it so cool? You can do it to! It really wasn't hard and it was SO fun in the process. Now I can't wait to scrap this photo! Nothing like a cool new technique to get the 'ole mojo flowing again I say!
Thanks Jessica! You rock!
Wednesday, June 07, 2006
I would like to know why it is that my children, both of them, feel the need to wake up 2, 3, even 4 times a night. It is really driving us insane. Sure they go back to sleep right away but it makes for a very restless night. That coupled with a VERY long day at work makes me a very tired girl. Still, here it is, almost 11pm and I sit here, writing on my blog.
I feel frustrated tonight with my work. I often feel frustrated after a shift at the hospital. A lot of people have said to me that what I do is important work and that it must be so cool to save lives. While I agree that my work is important, nurses frequently feel unnoticed and unheard. While it can sometimes feel fantastic to save a life, we sometimes are forced to keep people alive that we know will have not have any real quality of life when we do save them. What are we saving these people for? So that they can sit in a wheelchair in their nursing home where no one comes to visit them? Where they probably don't remember their caregivers who care for them on a daily basis? Or for those who we don't even know if they even have any family at all, where their only "family" is a public trustee who has made them a "full code" 3 years ago and hasn't bothered to revisit the patient's code status? Now there is a poor man who I am sure has suffered a lot, who probably won't recognize anyone who he should recognize, clinging to life in an ICU, with a tube in his throat helping him to breath, and more medications than any one person should have running through an IV just to keep his blood pressure high enough to sustain his life. Not one person came to visit this man while he was under my care today and our attempts at finding any family that we could speak with ended with the nurse at the nursing home. There was none. Not such a rewarding day. The sad thing is it happens all the time. I tell everyone I know to let their family know their wishes should the unthinkable happen, because it WILL happen. Will your family know what to do?
We do. Nurses do. Doctors do. Those of us that see this on a daily basis. We see tragedy, upon tragedy in our Emergency. We joke about having DNR tatooed on our chests. Or about stock piling medications so that when the time comes we will have our own choice to make when we can make it. Sure we see wonderful things as well. Sure there are many happy moments as well. The majority of people leave the hospital tired but okay but some don't and I am saddened by the families that have never discussed these topics or the patients that have to die alone. If you are reading this and haven't discussed this with your family, please make sure they understand your wishes. Please.
This isn't a self pity party about what a bad day I had. There were many fine moments of my day. I even laughed today. But patients like this can sometimes weigh heavy on your soul. I never really know what to say when people will say, "Wow, you work in ER? It must be so exciting! You must have some great stories!". The truth is that I DO have some stories but the "stories" that I remember the most, that stay with me and are easy to recall are the ones where someone is usually critically injured or ends with me (and others) having to support a grieving family.
It's just hard. That's all there is to it. Mentally, physically, emotionally, and spiritually....hard. I don't know how else to explain it. Often, I just want to go to an office, do my job on my computer, not hold people's lives in my hands, and go home. I know that that can be hard too, but I sometimes think it really isn't the same HARD.
So now I've gone back and reread what I have written and although I feel like taking all the middle part out, I'm not. I feel the need to say those things tonight. I feel the need to let people know what it is really like sometimes.
It's strange reading it all again because I see the dissociation with it and then me tapping into my feelings about today. Often I just push all those feelings down. We have to do that. It's a coping thing I think. Two seperate entities...my home life and my work life. But tonight I'm just so tired...
Tuesday, June 06, 2006
I AM: Everything that I wanted to be and more...and some things that I didn't want to be.
I WANT: to get in shape and kick my food addiction in the butt once and for all.
I HAVE: everything I need
I WISH: I had more will power
I HATE: mean and arrogant people
I MISS: having time to myself on a regular basis
I HEAR: children laughing and playing...five minutes ago it was children screaming and crying
I WONDER: what my life will be like a year from now
I REGRET: not allowing my creative side to come out during my schooling years
I AM NOT: happy with my nursing job right now
I DANCE: when no one is watching
I SING: only to my children because to them I have the best voice in the world
I CRY: when I see children suffering
I AM NOT ALWAYS: patient
I MAKE WITH MY HANDS: my own works of art
I WRITE: because it calms me and allows me to share my thoughts and feelings
I CONFUSE: my husband
I NEED: love and companionship
I SHOULD: be cleaning my house
I START: everything with enthusiasm
I FINISH: projects with a deep feeling of satisfaction even though it sometimes takes me a while to get there
Thanks for the challenge Melissa! You helped me keep up with my other challenge to post to my blog daily as well!
Monday, June 05, 2006
This was the worst time of the month to get sick too. I was supposed to be working at Wendy's today getting the kits out. I feel like I have let so many people down. Everyone is always so excited to get the kits and when one factor in the already hectic schedule isn't in place, everything gets thrown off wack. Wendy was so sweet too...she even offered to let me use her "sparkle puke bucket". Thanks. :)
I don't have much else to say since I spent the day sleeping and lounging in my PJ's. I did manage to start some organizing of my embellishments by colour families. I read about it in the Big Picture book. I loved the concept and I can already see how it will be perfect for me. My only concern is trying to pick what colour to put an item with when there are more than one colour. I have put those to the side for now. It's a big job but I think it will be worth it in the end. I will post some pictures (maybe) when and if I ever get it done. It's funny how you have zero strength when you are sick. It's like opening a cupboard takes all the energy in the world.
I'm leaving with a posting of my last layout for the Scraptivity June kit. I loved this kit and I admit I pushed for this paper, so if you don't like it I guess you have me partly to blame! I am so pleased with how this layout turned out. I admit that I was a little afraid of the Festival Letter stamps but I love how the work so well with this layout.
I think that is about it for today. I should at least get some brownie points for keeping up with my commitment to post to my blog. No? Tomorrow is a new day and hopefully a healthier day!
Here's to tomorrow!
Sunday, June 04, 2006
Life has been a little hectic lately. I have gone back up to 30 hours a week at the hospital and that hasn't made me very happy. I'm trying to balance that with working with Wendy and getting my own scrapping done. I feel SO good when I scrap but I find that I am SO tired lately and just getting down there to my desk is hard in itself. I think I just have to commit to sitting at the desk every day and looking at my photos and supplies. Then inspiration will set in and I will start scrapping. It usually works every time if I can just get myself down there.
We have Grace registered in Blast Ball and Soccer this summer. So far she is loving every minute of it. Blast Ball is a step below T-Ball. It just gets them used to working as a team and hitting and fielding the ball. It is one of the cutest things I have ever seen (even though I have only managed to get out to one game so far due to working at the hospital...grrr). Basically there is a T and one base. The kids (about 6 of them) stand on these little black pads all around this one base. When the player hits the ball, they all run to try and get the ball. It's so cute to see a group of 6 kids scurrying to get the ball. So far there hasn't been any huge fights.
A cute thing happened at one of the first games. Grace's team is called the Rockies. When they were leaving the field to go home, Grace turned around (not knowing the kids names yet) and screamed, "Bye Rockies number 5!!" It was adorable!
On the scrapping front, I'm thinking about entering Masters this year. That's about as far as I have gotten. I am loving the design team work I am doing for Scraptivity. I love that those kits are constantly pushing me to come up with new ideas and techniques! I was talking last night how I feel like entering the CK HOF contest this year was one of the best things I have ever done in my scrapbooking. It was a challenge to complete those 10 layouts but I felt so fulfilled when I sent in that entry and I feel like it has really helped me to grow as a scrapper. Really good things have come from me entering that contest too.
I believe that things that are happening now are a result of me entering that contest as well. It has given me more confidence to put myself out there. You can't win if you don't try, right?
I'm so excited that yesterday at the CK Convention in Buffalo, I won the Scrapworks Award of Merit prize! I was so excited! There were so many wonderful entries! I saw a few of them myself. I want to give a small shout out to my friend Kim who in my opinion should have won a prize as well....her layout was amazing! I loved all the little details of it. I hope you will get to see it soon on a gallery or better still in an up and coming book or magazine!
Kudos of course to my friend Vicki for bringing home the "Best in Show" award too! Her layout was breathtaking of course...any one who knows Vicki's work would expect no less. I'll be waiting for my dinner Vic!
See? I can't just write a couple of lines...my mother used to always say I talked too much...perhaps she is right.
Wednesday, March 22, 2006
Not feeling so well today. I called in sick to work last night because I think I have some sort of stomach virus that I probably picked up at the hospital while working. There has been a lot of that going around at the hospital. I am feeling a lot better today and actually got a layout done as well!
I decided that I am trying out for the 3 Bugs in a Rug design team. I love their paper and love the layouts I have made so far with it. I think it would be a good match for me. I managed to get this done today after my nap and before picking the kids up from daycare. I used my new Gel-a-tin Weathered Letter stamps for the title and I must say that I love them! I was inspired by Grace's hat in the photo and duplicated the pattern in the border on the bottom. I'm pleased with how it turned out.
I love this photo of Grace and I have been waiting for a while to scrap it. I love photos from behind like this. There is something about the mystery around the subject I think. I was reading on a fellow scrappers layout the other day about this exact thing. She came to the realization that she too loves these photos. She continued to say in her journaling how she realizes now that from the moment a child is born they are walking away from us in one form or another. I love reading other people's realizations that they come to through their scrapbooking. It has happened to me on more than one occasion. It's like cheap therapy!
On a lighter note, I made a page with the photos of Simon eating his ice cream. It's made with 3 Bugs in a Rug paper as well. It will also be part of my entry. That boy sure does love his ice cream! I just wish he was a little neater with it! I guess the photos wouldn't be so good though then. It's a catch 22 really.
I want to also add my congratulations to my wonderful friend Vicki Boutin for winning HOF this year. She is so talented and I didn't for one second think she wouldn't win this year. Her entry was amazing. You rock my friend!
Saturday, March 18, 2006
Tuesday, March 07, 2006
Anywho....that said...what else is new? Met up with a bunch of my friends from Scraptivity this past weekend. I am always so thankful for having found an online community of wonderful women that I now call my friends. These have quickly become some of the best friends I have ever had. It's great that we all share the same hobby. I have never laughed like I do when I am with them. I've said it once and I'll say it again...they are good for my soul. I couldn't go a day without a small dose of my friends.
This weekend was a crop and I was proud of myself for not bringing a single thing with me! I find that I never scrap at these things because I am too busy jibber-jabbering my mouth off and catching up with my friends. I often go home with all my supplies, nothing completed. I then have to put everything away again and it is a REAL pain in the neck to do so! After the crop we went for dinner and then to a bar! I haven't been to a bar in probably 10 years at least (besides the odd pub of course). It was an older crowd and fun but I have to tell you that I am so happy to have Paul and not have to go out and try and attract the opposite sex anymore. It's so wonderful to have someone I love to share my life with.
On the home front, Grace has to have a little operation on March 17th. She has a tongue tie and I feel it may be affecting her speech. She can't say the "th" sound right now and can hardly stick her tongue out. The oral surgeon said it will affect her gums in the future if we don't get the procedure done. She has to go under a general for it though so that makes me a little nervous. It's funny how when you are a nurse you are always first a mom when it comes to your kids. I don't feel confident in myself when my kids are sick. It's like I forget that I know things. I guess my knowledge would kick in but it still makes me uneasy.
Grace and I have taken to a new night time ritual. We have started telling little secrets to each other at night when we go to sleep. I have learned more about the way she thinks in the past week through her secrets than I ever have in the past. It mostly revolves around me telling her how much I love her and that I missed her while I was at work. I try and tell her how proud I am of her. Last night she asked me if we could pick flowers in the spring. How cute is that? She also asked me if we could go to a museum and look at the dinosaur bones (one of her recent obsessions).
I am constantly amazed at how much knowledge a child can absorb. Grace has been obsessed the past couple of weeks with learning about dinosaurs and planets. We have been reading about all the planets and she is always telling me dinosaur facts. She has all these songs she learned in school about the dinosaurs and she sings them all the time. I love listening to her. She told Simon the other day that dinosaurs were extinct. I hear Simon say "extinct?" and she goes on to say that it means that they are all dead. Well that started a cry fest. Simon was quite upset.
I got some great photos of Grace with her dinosaurs the other day and I can't wait to scrap them. I also scanned a dinosaur that Grace drew for her friend because she wasn't feeling well. When she brought it over to me I was amazed!
I think I'm done now. This was a long entry. That's what I get for not posting for a month I guess. I realize that this was a very Grace centric post so next time will have to be tidbits about Simon!
Thursday, February 09, 2006
My son Simon has a very strong bond to Paul, my husband. At times it bothers me. I mean a child is supposed to prefer their mother. I have been battling with my feelings about this. On one hand I'm so happy that my husband has such close bonds to his children. I think some of it stems from working shifts. He is the only constant in their lives most of the time. Some days I just feel like crying when I try and put him to bed and he says, "No! Daddy!" But then there are days like today when I realize that Simon really wants his mother around and loves her too.
This morning Grace, Simon, and Paul were standing in the front hall when I came downstairs. I didn't have a direct view of Simon and I hear a little voice say, "Daddy move. I can't see Mommy!" I tell you that was all I needed to make up for all the other times that Simon didn't want to talk to me or to "see" me over his father. It's funny how kids do that to us. One hug, look, or statement can melt your heart and make you forget that you were angry, sad, or or just plain fed up with their antics. Gosh I love them.